And Dan’s birthday is today. I am now 31. Natalie is 3.
WARNING: this post is not happy go lucky. If you want happy go lucky, wait a bit. I’m feeling negative recently about my capabilities and lack of job prospects. Eventually, I’m going to quit whinging and whining about this but not just yet.
I am missing home a bit. I think about home because I suppose, for lack of a better way to say it, I’m not there. I assure you that I really am trying to enjoy my time here. I appreciate what it took to get here and that I’m learning a lot about another country. I am also learning a lot about me.
I cry watching Pixar’s Cars. I know that Mack and Lightening are on the road that goes home. My home. I am jealous of the landscape that you are surrounded by because it is my wide open spaces and the silence of a drive that I don’t experience now. I miss that. In that movie, the character Sally talks about how cars didn’t drive to make good time, they used to drive to have a good time. You must’ve heard how America is a driving culture. England is a walking culture. Met a guy at The Station who’s 21 and doesn’t have a licence or the desire to get one. I’ve got a licence and I’ve got a car, albeit a POS, that sits in my driveway. We’re not driving it, really, for pretty good reasons (fuel prices and changeover of licences, don’t get me started) and we bought it for really good reasons (emergencies). So it sits there and I see it every time I pass the front window and I itch to drive it far far away, just to drive far far away.
And another thing, I don’t like staying home. I don’t like being a housewife. My mom was one for a while and I think that she did a pretty dang good job of it…so I’ve got the good example, but meh. Now, before you start the critique in your head because I’m complaining that I have too much, hear me out. Back home, the summer months would be time off from my teaching job. I had vacation time and treated it like such and come end of July I was ALWAYS mentally and emotionally ready to go back to work. I WANTED to go back. I once read a quote from a teacher that kind of is me, “…my husband knew that June and July were family time, but come August he knew better than to ask me to do anything that wasn’t about school.” This is the first time in my life that I have not had some school event beginning in the near future to prepare for. And I’m at a loss. Now, I don’t know what I want. I talked to a really good friend recently who reminded me that I had said I would write over there if I didn’t get a job. Well. I didn’t get a job. I’ve applied. No positive responses. So am I supposed to do what I said I’d do and write that dang story or am I going to be a flake like usual?
I’ve got this story idea that I’ve been mulling over for a year now. Some of you know about it, some of you may have read my pathetic attempts at a beginning. And that just might be the crux of the matter. Any story, no matter how good you think it might become, is just not going to get written…if you don’t know how to start. I used to think I was a decent writer. But that was in the context of term papers. I could churn those suckers out like cottage cheese. But a story? Please.You write a story and you’re writing yourself. I don’t know if I want to examine myself in that fashion. I’m afraid of what will come out. I’m afraid that this really cute and funny idea I had will become crap. I’m afraid I’m going to kill it while writing and so I’m killing it slowly before I even really begin. So this year’s worth of thinking has boiled down to the realization that if it is going to be written then I have to start with an outline…which I’m clueless to start. And yeah, I’ve gotten in contact with a creative writing workshop, just waiting for a reply to my email.
Please don’t think I need you to say “poor baby”, I just don’t have my normal outlet of expressing disgruntlement. So I do it here in public for you all to see.
So how does this fit in with the beginnings of homesickness? Because when you’re home, you aren’t out of your comfort zone that you’ve created for yourself so you don’t have the discrepancies staring you in your face. Would this be any different if we were in a different state, say, Kansas or New Hampshire? Would it be better or worse?
I suppose that what I’m really getting at is that I’m pissed off. At myself, at the system of applications to schools (you have to apply to each, not a district), at the minutiae, at having to wait for my paradigm shift. And you know what? If I were in front of you or on the phone with you I wouldn’t say one word of this to you. Dunno why. Maybe I would.
Here’s WHAT’S GOOD:
Reward Charts
Isaac Asimov
Birthdays
Car rides
Anonymous friendly ears
Potential
St Oswald’s Sunshine Club