Survival in England 101, vol. 1

When we first arrived in England, there wasn't a real easy way to find out how to handle the little things in life that you'd consider necessary, like taking a shower or getting the hot water to magically appear from the spigot. We had no internet in the first few days either, so we couldn't Google it. Asking Peter (the bartender) was right out; being ridiculed by Peter for not knowing how to turn on a shower is not something one would want to experience. For being American, yes. For not knowing how to do something that should be so simple, no.

So, if you're going to move here or visit here, this might help...

The glass half door

First encounter with this interesting fixture was in the hotel we stayed in while we were looking for a place to live in 2010. It swings outward; it does NOT slide. It also does not do a whole lot to prevent water from getting on the bathroom floor either. 

Also, note the shower head fixture attached to the faucet. We've been here around three weeks (new house) and have still not figured out how to turn the shower off so that we can just run the bath. Phone calls to landlord have not been returned. Again, another example of how expectations are unfulfilled.

Here's a quick rundown of how it was...

And so, you've just arrived in a foreign country. You've got the kid fed and down for a well-deserved nap, now you're ready to scrape the grime that's accumulated over the last 24 hours of travel. You go in the bathroom for a shower and fail to find the light switch. Nevermind, you think, it's still light outside so you figure you don't really need light all that bad to wash your hair.

The new shower same as the old shower

 See that button? It says "start*stop". You press that button to start the shower. But no. It doesn't work! Fine, you think. You'll just wash your hair under the faucet like you did when you were a kid. But then, your 6'4" husband wants to shower too. Huh.

What the hell is this?

Really. "What the hell is that?", is what you think when you enter the bathroom. Is it for the light? There's a pull-cord that obviously you pull, but when it was pulled, the light didn't come on. 

Oh yeah, the light switch was on the outside of the bathroom. You ask yourself, how is that logical? If you really want to screw up someone's nighttime showering, then you could totally wreak some havoc. You kid.

Come to find out... you have to turn the shower on with this. It's the power source. Again, nothing to indicate that it has to be on in order to turn on the shower.

Because your husband is ScienceMan, he figures out the logistics of the Rube Goldberg bathroom. It only took him four  two days no time at all. (he reads this blog sometimes. shssssh)

I promise you, I'm not lazy

It's just that there's no toilet paper roll holder in the wall here or at the last house. I don't think even my friend, Sensible Lady Ruth, has one in her house. Hey all you British! Raise your hands if you have a toilet paper roll holder in your wall.

Oh, and brushing your teeth in front of a mirror? Ain't gonna happen all that often. Mirrors aren't usually over the sink...because there's a window there. And drying your hair in the bathroom or using a flatiron or an electric shaver (husband, y'all) also ain't gonna happen as THERE ARE NO ELECTRICAL OUTLETS IN YOUR BATHROOM. 


I've had damp hair for the last 14 months.

Not as bad, but still not ideal

Thanks for the outpouring of support...I'm a bit overwhelmed by some of you, who don't know me or Kiddo. I appreciate your ninja/hippotamus skills in 'getting my back'. The child in question, in addition to having cerebral palsy, has some emotional issues that the school (for legal reasons) cannot explain explicitly to me. What I do know, is that he has the disability that prevents him from achieving empathy for others. What I don't know is if it is a result of brain chemical imbalance or an environmental affectation.

After the anger  rage abates, I feel sorry for the boy. No, hear me out.

Up until just recently, for perfectly logical reasons, very few of the children would play with him. Kiddo was one of three who would play with and sit at lunch with him. He has no friends and his mother is a single, working mom. She may have a boyfriend, but really, what kind of help is that? And she's going to have to deal with this for the rest of his life. He's going to have to be this way for the rest of his life.

I'd rather be in a man-made prison than one like that.

I went to the school to get more of the issue clarified yesterday. I spoke with the deputy headteacher, AKA assistant principal, who also happens to be the lead teacher in Kiddo's classroom. It is he who is removed from any room or outdoor space, should Kiddo decide that is where she wants to be. It is he who no longer participates in group activities. He is the one who takes his meals in the small room, off of the cloakroom. Kiddo's routine has had no changes whatsoever. I apologize if I gave that impression. I can see now how it could be construed in such way.

I asked why he hadn't been removed from the school permanently because of this event. It is because of the nature of his IEP. It is illegal for the school to do more than what they are doing at this time. Prior to this, they weren't allowed to touch him. Now, they are. This is the nature of special education in this region of the world. Inclusion, schminclusion.

After my conversation with the deputy headteacher, I am slightly appeased and my worries are marginally assuaged. I asked for the report's wording to be amended, from "pushed" to "slammed".  I'm still going to speak to the headteacher since she was not there when I went to the school. No big deal, a death in her family.

Wow, that sounded callous.

Anyway, he will no longer be in the after-school program (the where and when the event happened) after tomorrow. He will still be allowed to attend the school portion of the day, which for him is three hours of Nursery in the morning. Kiddo attends in the afternoon. While not being swift and harsh justice, it is a gentle and unrelenting sort of discipline. So British.

***

In other news, my feet are not as bad as they were. They are however, far from ideal. So I did something radical. It made me do this to my chin and eyebrows:

It felt like ticklish pins and needles. Can you guess what it is?

It's legen....

WAIT FOR IT..............

DARY!!!!

Garra rufa fish, aka DOCTOR FISH!

Click on this word to find out more about Dr. Fish since I'm really not going to be able to answer your many many many questions.

FEEDING FRENZY!

And my feet are so minty fresh and smooth! While my callouses are not totally and completely gone, the overall condition of my feet are much better.

I thought, what the hell? It was "Buy One Get One Free". I asked for more than two fish and the lady looked at me weird. Turns out I get to have a free Garra Rufa fish pedicure when I buy a Garra Rufa fish pedicure.

The lady warned me before I put my feet in to "look ahead and don't look down until you get used to it. Because it's for the best." I asked her to take a picture of me as soon as I put my feet in for the first time.

Probably not all that inspiring of a face, but hey... there's half a smile!

 I think they should have a wall of such pictures for potential customers to peruse as they're pondering whether or not to get the Doctor Fish pedi-nibblefest.

The result was that my feet felt like how I imagine Jason Segal's hair. Smooth and silky.

A++!!! Would buy from again!

Control Issues

I've learned that I control the weather in the UK.

NO REALLY!

If I (or the Man even) decide to do laundry, it rains. If I say, "no, laundry. I shall not lay hands upon thee", it won't rain. Except for today. Today, I got lucky with my rain dance... I am native American after all.

One year ago today. It was cold then, it's cold now. 

New pub in town had this masterpiece: Proscuitto, honey, tomato, figs, and fresh mozzarella. C'est tres bella. Me gusta.

My new pub bev fave since cokes are not to be found at my local. It's fizzy orange juice. But boy oh boy, does it give me the burpy hiccups!

And this is what I've been pissed about for a week. There's this little boy at kiddo's school who has some severe and profound disabilities. He did this to her.
This is what the report says:
"After school club children were outside. Kiddo was playing with wooden blocks alone...*** came outside, went straight to her and grabbed her by the hair and pushed her face into a wooden block on the ground."

Uh, 'scuse me?

No, he had to have "slammed" her face into that block, not "pushed" to get that big of bruise on her face. Also, he pulled out a big chunk of her hair.


I say, fuck inclusion...because this isn't the first time shit like this has happened to her caused by this same child. I honestly don't give a flying fuck if someone's retarded or not...when you hurt my child, you need to be expelled.

So here's the school's solution:

The two children with be kept away from each other. If one is outside, the other must be inside. The two shall take their meals separately.

I understand IEPs. I've implemented them before. But I've never agreed with the policy that just because a child is on a BIP or IEP, that when they are violent, their consequences are different than everyone else's. And so, what I want to know is... when can I go mano y mano with that mom?

I can not wait to get out of here.

Fun Video Friday: The Disciple of Bon Qui Qui... 30 DoB- Day 4

Fun Video Friday is inspired by today's events at work.

And I can't friggin embed it. It's been disabled by request. Really, YouTube? Only 44+million views and anonymous users wants to disallow embedding? I circumvent you! Here's a link...

http://youtu.be/jZkdcYlOn5M

So this lady says to me today, "You have the Durham look."  She was smiling but that's still no clue whether that's a compliment or an insult. If compliment, "girl, I will cut you."  If insult, "girl, I. WILL. CUT. YOU."

Day 4- A Book That Reminds You Of Home

Campbell's Casseroles Cookbook- board book style.

source

It usually ships in 1 business day. All the recipes are good except for the carrot one. Don't cook that one.

When kiddo was a small kiddo, this is the book I'd give her as I was puttering around in the kitchen. She made a great cookbook holder. Aaaaaah. Campbell's Soup Casseroles.... the mainstay of many American dinners.

I didn't bring this with me overseas for one big reason. They don't have Campbell's here. They've got Heinz.

EAT HEINZ!

I have this idea that it wouldn't taste the same if I used Heinz. Fear. That's what that feeling is! So weird.

Blogger says my 30 DoB-Day 3 will be back soon... well, they say that any post written after such and such time on Wednesday will be returned post haste, post hoc ergo propter hoc, quid pro quo E pluribus unum. Agricola filliam vocat. Anyway, I know how much you want to read day 3.

Alreet, Big Brother?

Some things are sacred and are not to be messed with. If they do mess with those holies, I want "te dunsh them in the heed". Ya knaa what ah mean leik? Take for instance, my friend wanting me to find some curse words or phrases, Geordie-speak leik, that she can use against her hinney. Ah hev nar na wish tuh start a barney inatween a husband an' a missus. Another thing that "shud neet be messed wi'" is TV.

I believe in free TV channels. The major news network affiliates have the airwaves from the government for free in the US, right? This is why you don't have to buy a subscription to Cox Cable if you just want ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, Fox25 and Channel 34...whatever Channel 34 is now... WGN? Have things changed since I left home?

No free TV here at any rate.

The government WILL come to your house to make sure you are not watching TV without a license.

source, Reddit of course.

Kiss my grits. As of today's exchange rate, the yearly fee is the rough equivalent of USD $237.46. I am leaving so very very very very soon.

Oh, this is not a letter to me. No. I threw my letter away last June, stupidly forgetting to take a picture of it. This letter is to a guy who bought the TV from Tesco as a GIFT. I stole it from reddit.

While I do not have "cable", I do have a TV that I use to watch DVDs. I do not need a license for this type of use, thank god.

Hulu is unavailable here in my area. 

The apologists for TV licensing go on and on about how individuals benefit from watching BBC and since they take advantage of said benefits, then individuals must contribute. Supposedly this is why BBC programming is the classy dame of the broadcasting world.

No. I disagree. With all of it. D'ye heor wor Muckle Brother? I'll contribute to my local PBS station when the time comes, because I want punkin to get to watch Anne of Green Gables and Sesame Street. But I'll do it because I want to, not because I have to.

And that has made all the difference.

Another One

Another earthquake in Japan.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13005110

Tsunami warning issued.

Know your memes

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Where was this first posted?  Answer that, and you can have the remaining Durham Cathedral magnet. (Fucking magnets. How do they work?)

They get gawked at at home, why not here too?

I love going to the market square on Saturdays. Where else can you get whiskey flavored fudge, 7 donuts made right in front of you for £1, and hear a couple of buskers perform an acoustic version of Ke$ha's TiK ToK?  Those boys rocked that song without AutoTune. It was a nice thing to chuckle about...THEY WERE SO EARNEST! If I'd had spare change, I'd've given it to them. Le sigh.

But I don't go to the market square to just buy stuff; I go because it's something to do on a Saturday and it's usually free or cheap entertainment. Because the entertainment comes in the form of the locals...

If it's going to screw up, it's going to be on a Friday

Late Friday, the front loading washing machine made this godawful industrial blaring alarum sound that about squeezed my brain out of my nose and cause my ears to bleed. I even took video just so I could share it with you. There may be a reason why the audio didn't come through. Probably so I don't subjugate you to the same unholiness.

Had to ask ourselves

So we spent a lovely chunk of time on Saturday morning doing this:

Carefully removing offending and overlarge noise maker from under counter without messing up the balance. And you know I swept behind that damn machine without a Swiffer! Only had to kill one spider. Not bad.

First line of defense was stupid. But honestly, it was my first time so it's bound to be a little stupid.

Since bukkit was stolen, the mixing bowl was chosen. No, I'm kidding about the bukkit. 

And I love that man for doing the majority of the work. All I had to do was mop up the excess water that didn't make it into the pan and bowl.

Oh, it was so gross which, amazingly enough,  surprised me. There were weird little beige specks in the water.

The smell. Oh sweet Jeebus, it was offensively odoriferous. Stagnant, tepid, fungal... and pouring straight out of a machine designed to clean with that water. Didja know that front loaders can develop lovely moldy spots on the inner seal ring? I didn't until I moved here.

But it wasn't all bad. Apart from the smell and generally ickiness... it got fixed. It works like a champ. Rewashed the clothes that were in there and was able to wash the towels used in the line of duty.

 And the cause?

Me. My fault. Two hairpins and a paper clip.  They got into the filter and were jamming the draining functionality of the filter and valve. Moral of the story? Clean your pockets out each and every time.

It's sh** like this, England

All I wanted to do was clean the floors.

Ohboi! Flor kleen! Yai, Happee!

Getting to the big store is a two bus trip journey, so if I make the effort to get to the Tesco Extra, my expectation is that I should have no real problems with any of my purchases afterward. I needed a floor mop that would use my Tesco brand wet cloths for floors. Don't want them to go to waste.

I bought a brand new, Tesco-brand, Swiffer-style floor mop. It cost me £4.00. It replaced an equivalent bn,T-b, S-s fm that was here when we moved in but was in disrepair (read: broke-as-sh**).

In the beginning, I used that first floor mop like it was my own personal addiction prior to a 12-step. I didn't use it, it used me. And then, I decided to break the habit of using broke-as-sh** tools. I asked for help and received it in the form of a dry floor mop with fluffy blue tentacles that would snag up those dust bunnies and send them to the underbed in the sky. Trip to Tesco #1.

That particular purchase did not even attempt to uphold my standard of cleanliness. How can one be akin to a domestic goddess when one's floors aren't clean?  Sadly, banisher of fuzzy rodent-like grey matter warped in storage...bent all out of shape and thus, became another broke-as-sh** tool

And so commenceth the beginning of this week:
I acquire the bn, T-b, S-s floor mop. I go back to bus stop and get on bus. I get on wrong bus. Bus drives me all around the county and drops me off in a town I don't live in and have only been through once. I walk to another bus stop 60 yards around the corner and wait for a new bus. I get on new bus. It takes me to Tesco. Luckily, the bus is going back to my bus station, so I can stay on this bus. Trip #2, no problems, I get home. The off-brand swiffer goes next to it's new home, the cupboard under the stairs. I use it the next day to sweep and mop. It broke.

I <3 reddit

Okay. Hmm

I call Tesco. I find out I can return the broke-as-sh** floor mop provided I have my receipt. PERFECT!

And you know what? They took it back! Thanks Tesco! Trip #3 is awesome!!!!1!

And then I got on the wrong bus again.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

TL;DR - I have broken cleaning supplies, I get new one that breaks, I take wrong buses trying to get home. I end up with no good cleaning supplies.

Bright side: floor's clean

Check this out: amazon sells Swiffer Wet Jet© Starter Kit for £71.  That's like, $100, easy.

Oh, and my washing machine's broken. 

Sunshine of the Eternal Optimism of a Poker Hand

Even though I haven't been met with much success in the job market, I'm still trying.

Just got done applying for a Geography Teacher position in SE Co. Durham.

Sent them a filled out form, a CV, a map I drew (see below) and my teaching philosophy statement. Just got an email back from them (I like this because, well, it feels like they're on the ball) and it says:

"Many thanks for your application for Teacher of Geography, which we read with interest. We will be back in touch with you once the deadline has passed and we have had a chance to consider the field."

Even if they don't choose me, just to know that I will hear back a 'yea' or a 'nay' is good enough at this point.

Each time I do this... I have hope. I keep doing it because if I stop, then what's the point of even trying to begin with? If I'm not meant to have a job while I'm here, then fine. That's the hand I'm dealt and I'll play it with verve.

Yeah, I dunno what happened to all of it. 

In the meantime, I will do my utmost to enjoy this lull. It is an opportunity that scares me since I don't know what to do with it. 

Is that too Hamlet of me? Navel gazing is not fun.