Never again shall I have to visit the abyss that rivals southside OKC

So, I bet you've been on tenterhooks, just waiting to hear more about my candidacy for the long-term substitute job in Hartlepool. Welp, I shall never have to go to Cesspool ever again for I did not impress them enough.

(This is the part where we listen to the sound of the American flag touching the ground before straightening itself in secular righteousness. We might even be able, if we strain our ears and are really, really good boys and girls, to hear the melodious voice of Lee Greenwood belt out that he's proud to be an American where at least his guns, while not free, came to him quite inexpensively and after only a short wait)

What's more, I found out that I didn't care. Yes, I would've like to have had a long-term teaching job. Getting paid lots of money to work on your career is nice. Good. That out of the way, on to something completely different...





Yes, the Python Troupe shall reunite to make a 20-year old script that's been lying around in a drawer into a movie.

It's gonna be great! It's gonna be great! It's gonna be greeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!

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Came across this little bit of Dadaist, anti-Zen, surrealism the other day. Let's see if you think it's as funny as I do. Admittedly, I'm basically going to be copying down what was written, so if you'd rather skip the commentary and just go straight to the article, click here.

photo source

MPs and their aides get to eat in really pretty frickin nice restaurants in the House of Commons, yet they've found many things about which to complain.

For instance, the above picture of the bucket o' chips, "while attractive to some and no doubt trendy, makes for soggy chips. The tower arrangement is better. Hoi Sinduck (sic) spring rolls are consistently delicious -- lots of duck."

Basically the complaints are about how the food is subpar in this government subsidized cafeteria. Want to see this lovely facility?

A patron remarked that "the canteen staff made them feel like second-class citizens" when  a complaint was made about  breakfast "running out at 10:30 in the morning." Quoted, "if I'd wanted lunch, I would've just gone to the Mackdonald's."
photo source

So... here's the grocery list of whinges:

• watery eggs

• "Just wondered if you're doing the scrambled egg in a different way now? Tastes kind of watery -- not nice!"

You ever eaten watery eggs? At a restaurant? Yeah, you'd complain too.

• change given is in "coppers", not the nice shiny, silver five pence pieces

       I totally can get behind this whinger. It's the psychological factor, ya know? No one wants pennies... You've heard of the "BAD PENNY" but you've never heard of the big bad nickel, right? Plus, all the cool kids put nickel in their loafers, not pennies. Wouldn't want to not fit in with the ol' Eton crowd, wot wot?

• crisp packets are 10 grams too light

• "The normal weight for a packet of individually bought crisps is 34.5g (38p supermarket price), the packet I purchased from the vending machine was 24.5g (50p)."

***The Commons authorities have promised a "full investigation" into the matter. }end quote. Serious.

• the view of the Thames provided a "dismal experience"

• "The room is gloomy with no soft lighting to make it more welcoming. My starter of beetroot and pumpkin salad consisted of one piece of beetroot in a puddle of pumpkin puree and was tasteless. My main course of fish cake was far too dry to eat and both main courses were far too salty." 

Okay, now this is just nitpicky. I've had beetroot and I've had pumpkin and I consider myself a fair cook, but I'd never, EVER, put beetroot slices and pumpkin puree together. I'd julienne the shit outta them instead. Coleslaw, now THAT'S some shit! Throw in some hushpuppies and fried okra and I'll throatpunch any complainer.

• Soup bowls were too small.

        Ain't nothing worse than a too small soup bowl. Can't get the fucking soup spoon in. Have you seen British soup spoons? According to Barbara Cartland's 1962 etiquette book, here's how to eat soup properly in England:

When eating soup, you should hold your spoon in your right hand and tip the bowl away from you, scooping the soup in movements away from yourself. The soup spoon should never be put into the mouth, and soup should be sipped from the side of the spoon, not the end.

     So if the dining room's soup bowls are too small, then the MPs and aides are in danger of committing major social faux pas. One does not simply breach etiquette in England. Come to my house, with your little bowls, o' fretter of little diameters. In my demesne, you can tilt that bowl lip straight into your gullet, safe in the knowledge that there's no judgement for elbows on the table.

• The vegetarian tart came with too small of a portion of couscous.

   Well, if you'd've ordered a processed meat sandwich, you wouldn't have noticed how small a portion of couscous you got. Then again, you might've.

• The processed meat thickness is too much and should be sliced finer.

•  "it makes it a bit tricky to eat the salami because the rinds are so sturdy."

What is this I don't even...

• A vegetarian dish was rendered inedible due to addition of Worcestershire sauce. (It's the anchovies, stupid!)

• "Commons staff retorted that the offending sauce was indeed, in fact, balsamic vinegar."

I'm starting to imagine it's like the opening sequence of West Side Story....you got some snappy suits in a Barbour/Burberry mix twirling around the chef's tunics and Crocs.

• Kedgeree, a hearty brunch-time meal, left one MP in the cold. The following public complaint was written out I'm sure, in a really nice cursive font.

• "WHERE'S MY DAMN QUARTER EGG! GIVE ME MY QUARTER EGG! I NEED MY QUARTER EGG! IT AIN'T KEDGEREE IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT BLOODY FULL BOILED EGG! YOU CALL THIS REAL KEDGEREE! FUCK! IT AIN'T KEDGEREE IF THERE'S ONLY THREE-QUARTERS OF A HARDBOILED EGG!"

However, since he's British, this is what he really wrote:


• "The boiled egg had been cut into THREE quarters -- no sign of the fourth... Petty and insulting way to save a buck."

• The price of alcoholic drinks has increased enormously to match the price of drinks sold everywhere else...in order to comply with a governmental ruling that "Parliament's bars should raise them to match high street pubs".

"I was amazed at the price increases on beer in the Strangers' Bar. From now on I will be drinking in the Sports and Social club so rather than raising revenue you have lost a customer."  

   Good riddance, ya poncy nance!  The price he's complaining about is a pint of beer for £2.60 ($4.09)  and a glass of wine for £2.35 ($3.70)! And I'm thinking, as I'm sure all the taxpayers of Britain are, just who the hell does he think he is? A little out of touch is who he is.

Hell, I pay £2.80 for a pint of Stella in my local. STFU, Marie Anthony.

Here's where the surreal part comes into it... for every £10 spent in the dining rooms, £7.60 of it is paid for by the taxpayer.

"The Commons catering budget recieved a taxpayer subsidy of £5.8 million last year, an equivalent of  a top-up of 7.60 for every £10 spent by an MP on lunch and drinks."

76% of each food bill is paid for by the taxpayer. Wow. And they're cutting back child benefits and educational funding? Tools.

So what are they eating? They're eating "pan-fried red mullet with carrot puree and a soft boiled quail's egg for £4.15 or artichoke and tomato salad with truffle dressing for £2.05."  Channel 4 News has some menu items listed as well. 60p for chicken & sweetcorn soup (yuck), £2.15 for roast belly of pork confit (what the hell is this?).

I'm looking at some of the menus online from 2009 and it's like OH MY GOSH! £10 for pan-fried fillet of sea bass?! With sweet parsnip puree (what is with the chefs and their purees?), spinach and saffron oil?! And I only have to pay £2.40 in real physical money? Sign me up! I want to go to the soup kitchen for hungry MPs.

Here, just click here and scroll down to see for yourself. I'm getting sick.

I wonder what the House of Representatives dining room complaints are like.